Question by ¢αѕѕαη∂яα ♥: Beginning of my novel. VERY first draft. (read it over once, I’m editing now) Opinions? Criticism?
I sat high on a cushioned stool, tapping my fingers against the cold, hard granite countertop of the greeting table. My head rested on my palm as my eyes explored around the room. I checked on the clock every now and again. It seemed like time was moving incredibly slowly and painfully. Every minute I was driving deeper and deeper into what seemed to be endless boredom. I stared at the wall where the clock hung. I couldn’t believe I had been at work for five hours and hardly anyone had come to dine. There were only two parties eating at our restaurant at that moment. While all of my other co-workers were lazing away in the cozy employee’s lounge, I had to fill in for the hostess who was late again. I sighed deeply hoping that either the hostess would walk through that door or some people would, so that I could do my job. The slow days were the worst.
Suddenly, I had a great craving for some chocolate crepes. My stomach growled. I couldn’t remember the last time I had them here. They were the best and with my employee’s discount, I always got them half-off. Nothing tastes better than a break from work and half-off chocolate crepes. I couldn’t wait until my lunch break. Realizing that it was only half an hour away, I smiled to myself.
Without warning, some customers walked in through the French doors. I immediately snapped out of my thoughts. The cutest elderly couple I had ever seen approached me with beaming faces. “Two?” I asked them, putting on my sweet, waitressy grin.
“Yes,” the man replied in a humble tone, and then grabbed his wife’s hand.
Aww, I thought to myself.
I slid two menus from a shelf in the table and curled them into my arms. “Right this way,” I told them. I picked out the best table in the place for them to sit. It was right beside a window with the perfect view. Our restaurant was situated right next to the beautiful park. At that angle, they would be able to see the amazing, gleaming lake.
“Oh, this is lovely. Thank you,” the woman gasped as they sat themselves down.
“You’re welcome, madam,” I said as I placed down their menus in front of them. “You’re waiter will be with you shortly.”
I walked to the lounge and knocked my hand against the door upon my arrival. A few of the faces turned up to look, but the others were buried into something else. I spotted Jack, reclining in a cyan chair, sleeping deeply. I had seated the couple at one of his tables.
“Hey, Jack!” He didn’t stir. “Jack!” I said as I punched him jokingly in the shoulder. “Wake up, lazy. Table 7. A couple. Serve them.”
He opened his eyes and reluctantly pushed himself up, stretching out his arms with an exaggerated sigh. He punched me back like I had just done to him and gave me a glare. “Thanks for putting them at one of my tables.”
I smirked. “You are very welcome.”
Jack’s name suited him well. If you ever asked me describe him in one word, without a hesitation, I would say: jackass. Two words: unnecessary jackass. Three words: half-witted, unnecessary jackass. It was impossible to hold an intelligent conversation with him. If you were a girl, he would spend the time staring at your breasts (and I mean ANY girl) and if you were a guy, he would find some way to insult you or some way to change the conversation to “chicks”. He was so irritating; never respectful to anyone he met. For some unknown reason, my best friend Tori “fell” for him. She claimed that under it all, he was a really sweet and understanding guy. I don’t believe it one bit. I know that he’s just as shallow as he appears. Tori is such a good girl and I know he is just using her. She always saw the best in everyone, even the worst people. I knew that in the end, he would break her heart; I just didn’t want it to happen. I wouldn’t be able to count the amount of times I begged her to end her relationship with him.
Tori and I lived together in a quaint house just outside of town. It had two floors. The bottom was hers, and the top mine. I remember being so worried that I wouldn’t like my housemate. That wasn’t the case at all. She was adorable and probably the most caring girl I had ever known. Her look was so much like her personality. She always dressed in bright, sunny colors. Her brunette hair in the cutest bob. Her brown eyes always bright and aware. She was like the opposite of me, but we never had any problems. I couldn’t remember fighting with her once the whole year I knew her. I loved her. She was like a sister to me. We knew anything and everything about each other.
She was on vacation for about two weeks in Hawaii. I missed her terribly, but she was coming back in a couple of days. It was so lonely at home and at work without her. She was practically my only really good friend there.
I came back to my position again and noticed that the hostess had finally arrived. She was flirting with a guy at the table, about to seat him. He was fairly attractive with dark, short, curly brunette hair. He also towered over
her. Clearly a few inches above six feet when the hostess only reached his shoulders. I also knew that he was way too old for her. She was still in high school and he must’ve been in his early twenties. I watched as she pulled a menu from the shelf nonchalantly and asked with a flirtatious voice, “Will anyone else be joining you?”
The guy laughed and rubbed his neck. “Uh, no. Actually, I work here.” Was that an accent I heard? “This is my first day.” Definitely an English accent. I had never even met another person in my life that had one.
I approached them, about to thank the girl for finally showing up, but I was interrupted by him. He turned to me. “Uh, do you think one of you can show me to the manager?”
“I can,” I said, without thinking. The girl gave me an evil look as if I had beaten her to it. “Uh, thanks,” I thanked her trying to read her nametag. I never had good eyesight. “Lynn.”
“You’re welcome,” she scowled.
I know it has tense problems >:[ I emailed this to me from another computer, but I forgot to save it after I fixed it.
Yeah. MS word changed the "never heard anyone that had one".
Thanks. :]
Best answer:
Answer by I Is a Sweet Walrus Indeed
It’s cute. There are a few grammar errors, but nothing major.
“It seemed like time was moving incredibly slowly and painfully.”
Should become…
“Time was moving incredibly slow and painful.”
There are a few other sentances where you use a word that doesn’t belong there. Like,
“He also towered over her,” and, “I had never even met another person in my life that had one.”
Read the whole thing out loud and you’ll see what I mean. But not bad.
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
November 15th, 2010 
Admin 
thanks :]
Comments on this descriptive essay?
Question by Reenie: Mom of Marine: Comments on this descriptive essay?
Tuttle Lake
All the familiar sensations came rushing back as I rounded the cottage and headed for the path that led to the lake. “Yes!” I thought as I squinted through the thick pine branches at the cloudless blue sky. “This is a perfect day.”
The rough, pebble-infused concrete path pricked my bare feet as I started down to the lake so I stepped off into the cushiony pillow of rust colored pine needles hugging either side of the path. Sun light danced hodge-podge through the tall trees, creating a show of shimmering copper where ever it landed on the rusty colored surface.
The tropical scent of sun-tan lotion and tangy boat fuel wafted on the fresh lake breeze as I made my way down to the beach. I could hear the kids laughing and the distant calls of “Marco!”….. “Polo!” Followed by excited squeals of laughter and screeching that promised a very fun day.
Soon the lake was in full view. Private piers jutted out at each twenty-five yard lot line. Many of them proudly displayed American flags and each one held its own variety
of beach toys from water wings to Frisbees to water skis.
“Zzzzzzzt!!!—Zzzt-zzt-zzzzzzzz!” A lone jet-ski skittered and jumped and swerved on the water avoiding the much larger ski boats and their skiers.
A short distance down the beach a chocolate lab barked and bounced happily, waiting for his master to toss the Frisbee he was holding.
High waves foamed and cascaded at the shore with an inviting “Whooosh” that called to beach-goers of all ages.
The warm dry sand was the color of, well, sand. Not salty white ocean sand, but good, earthy, mid-western sand that turns from light, sparkling gold to rich caramel depending on the degree of wetness. My toes warmed instantly as I squished and buried my feet in the warm gold stuff.
At mid-afternoon the lake was alive with activity. A sparkling blue oval dotted with fast moving speed boats and lazy white sails. Kids were splashing around and playing various water games while parents lounged on the beach with fruity looking drinks and baskets of sandwiches. White gulls soared over head watching for unsuspecting fish or a dropped crust of bread. I was off to play!
Later on I headed back when the smells of charcoal, roasting corn and hamburgers and hot dogs filled the air. Dinner bells were clanging every few minutes and my tummy was grumbling.
I sat on the old wooden bench at the edge of the trees watching the lake grow quiet as people headed home for dinner. The sun was an orange fire ball, slowly descending among wispy clouds ranging from pale pink to red to deep purple. Soon it would disappear behind the dense green forest across the lake which was now silent and smooth as glass.
It had been a truly perfect day.
sunset
This was an exercise for a writing class geared toward children.
Best answer:
Answer by Number6
You definitely have a lot of descriptions. It just about covers everything and for the most part I think its pretty good. I would maybe try to eliminate some of the adjectives and bring in a little more action. When I was reading it felt kind of reminiscent and calm rather than exciting as a vacation day full of people at the lake might be. I like the last paragraph and I would incorporate the dinner smells into that into the last paragraph rather than saying “Later on I headed back”
Here’s my critique hope it helps:
All the familiar sensations came rushing back as I left the cottage and headed down the path to the lake. “Yes!” I thought as I squinted through the thick pine branches at the cloudless blue sky. “This is going to be a perfect day.”
The rough, pebble-infused concrete path pricked my bare feet as I started down to the lake so I stepped off into the cushiony pillow pine needles hugging either side of the path. Sun light danced through tall trees, creating a show of shimmering copper.
The tropical scent of sun-tan lotion and tangy boat fuel wafted on the fresh lake breeze as I made my way to the beach. Kids laughed in distant calls of “Marco!”….. “Polo!” Yes it excitement was in the air. It promised a very fun day.
Soon the lake was in full view. Private piers all in a row gently bounced over the water. Many proudly displayed American flags and each one held its own variety
of beach toys from water wings to Frisbees to water skis.
“Zzzzzzzt!!!—Zzzt-zzt-zzzzzzzz!” A jet-ski skittered, jumped and swerved on the water teesing the much larger ski boats and their skiers.
A chocolate lab barked and bounced happily, waiting for another toss of the Frisbee.
High waves foamed and cascaded at the shore with an inviting “Whooosh” that called to beach-goers of all ages.
The warm dry mid-western sand sparkled a from gold to rich caramel depending on the degree of wetness inviting my toes as I squished and buried my feet.
The lake was alive with activity. Fast moving speed boats and lazy white sails, kids splashing around and playing. Parents lounged on the beach with fruity looking drinks and baskets of sandwiches. White gulls soared over head watching for unsuspecting fish or a dropped crust of bread. I was off to play!
As the sun started to set, I sat on the old wooden bench at the edge of the trees watching the lake grow quiet as people headed home. Dinner bells clanged. The smell of charcoal, roasting corn and hamburgers filled the air. My tummy began to grumble. The sun was an orange fire ball, slowly descending among wispy clouds ranging from pale pink to red to deep purple. Soon it would disappear behind the dense green forest across the lake which was now silent and smooth as glass.
It had been a truly perfect day.
Give your answer to this question below!